I had a conversation with my wife via Facebook the other day in which she indicated a desire to talk later that night. She wanted to sit down together and make a list of things that we want individually and as a family, and then to pray over these things. Earlier in the conversation, we had discussed a different topic, so I thought she meant we should make our lists as they pertained to that issue. Come to find out she meant that we should discuss what we wanted financially, career-wise, from ourselves, and from life in general, and then pray about whether those things aligned with God’s will for us and how we could best achieve them. My misunderstanding led to a minor argument because I kind of felt blindsided by the weight of the question, so I didn’t have much of an answer, and she thought that I should have because I had all day to think and pray on her question. Now it’s almost a week later, and I still don’t have a good answer to her question. I’m also probably not earning any brownie points by writing this post since she wanted to do this together. But this is how I best express my thoughts and feelings, so here goes.
I don’t know how I want this to materialize, but I want to have financial stability to pay all of our monthly obligations and have enough to save something back, and the freedom to spend a bit here and there on things that we want without having to sacrifice things that we need. I want my wife and kids to experience vacations like I had as a kid, to Disney World and Washington, D.C., among many other places. I wish that I could afford to finally take my wife on a much-deserved honeymoon after ten years of marriage. I want to be successful, though I don’t even know how I define success. I need to properly provide for my family. Even though those things are important and real, they still seem like superficial desires that only hint at what my wife was truly asking.
Every day I yearn to find my passions in life and to somehow turn those into a career. I want to wake up every morning with excitement because I get to spend my day doing something meaningful that I love. I need to have the ability to look at my life and not think that the best opportunities to make something of myself are behind me, that it’s not too late to decide what I want to be when I grow up. I hunger for the ability to forgive myself for my past mistakes and to learn how to live life with no regrets because those mistakes have made me who I am today. I want to be able to say every day that I did my absolute best to let others, especially my wife and kids, experience Christ’s love through me. I want to know that I made a difference in this world. Like many others, I have a desire to know that it matters to the world that I’m alive, that life as a whole is better because I exist.
I wish that I was more like my dad, someone who just somehow knows how to fix almost anything that’s wrong around the house or with a car and puts others, especially his family, first without even having to think about it. I want to be like his father who was kind and generous and was able to grow the best fruits and vegetables you’ve ever tasted year after year in his own back yard. I want to be more like my uncle, my dad’s brother, who has the ability to envision new business ventures in his mind, and has the courage to try to make them a reality and who, more importantly, has an unwavering faith in God. I want to follow the words in James 1:19 (NIV) and be “quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” I want to be a man who my wife is proud to call her husband, who my parents are proud to call son, and one who my kids can look up to and be proud to call ‘Dad’.
But right now, more than anything, I want to know how to answer my wife’s question.